:                                 Immense unbridgeable gulf

Current sinful me ____<—————————————->____ God’s holy son

But now that I look at this, it kinda reminds me of the bridge diagram doesn’t it? I guess that’s why I still need Christ, like how I’ve needed him all along. Suddenly I’m reminded of John 15:5

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Father I confess, I am nothing without you.

Looking around the room, I saw the sin in the lives of my kith and kin, leading lives of debauchery and godlessness. I hated it. I hated it so much yet, I felt so paralyzed that I was unable to do anything about it. A sense of apathy and frustration began to well up inside of me, apathy because I believed myself incapable of changing the situation, frustration because I realized there was so much I couldn’t change, in the lives of others, especially in my own. And as pondered this state of events, it dawned upon me. I was never able to exert any influence, because I was never a part of their lives. I guess over the course of my lifetime, I was never really interested in their lives, nor they in mine, and it never bothered me to change the status quo. And perhaps, this mentality extends beyond to every aspect of my relationships with people, never really knew what it was to try to be part of someone’s life, nor allow others to be part of mine. I guess its so when they’re gone, I won’t have to feel anything.

Yet Christ was an integral part of His people’s life. When Lazarus died, it moved him to tears. His rejoiced in the companionship of sinners and tax collectors. He went out of His way, to heal the afflicted, to speak into the life of a mere Samaritan woman. He even brought the drinks to the wedding party.

He showed grace where I only saw sinfulness. And while I do nothing, He had pity on them, and took the ultimate action.

I know not, the compassion of Christ. Father, would you teach me compassion?

Of all that was said today, this message really hit home the most.

Looking back over the tumultuous week, I find that the maxim ‘If you look inwards, you’ll only despair’ to be quite true. Asking the wrong questions, I began to find myself  despairing over my situation. Holiness seemed an ideal so impossible, so beyond my grasp, my soul began to be crushed under the weight of my doubts and consternation. Even via reviewing and reflecting the entirety of my life experiences, trying to find a sure path to holiness in light of biblical doctrine, I find myself with no sure solutions. No executable plan with which I can finally claim holiness. Come the morning, I was left feeling defeated, robbed of every joy.

And in desperation, I chose to engage in my first truly voluntary period of fasting. The answers weren’t quite what I expected.

Praying at the back of MSC, I resigned myself to admit that I’m at my wits end, asking the Lord to simply lead me. Then in what seemed like a divine moment, came the MSC grounds-keeper, the bespectacled individual I never quite took notice of, and he talked to me. Apparently in seeing my loneliness, he decided to come befriend me. In that moment, I felt loved in a way I’ve never experienced before. Here was an uncomplicated man, who did not know me, had no obligation towards me, and yet he was the first human to have ever responded to my loneliness. And after a short chat about light topics, I bid him adieu and rejoined the brothers and sisters. Here was a man, who without profound words, left a profound impression in me, through his act of simple love.

I realized, in all my years as a Christian, I have never demonstrated just simple love. Mine was a love that always needed a plan of action, an agenda to be met, a biblical foundation. A faith requiring a great task to be executed, a backup plan, a qualification. And yet many a times, these complexities brought me more consternation than joy, more burden than freedom.

Matthew 17:20

His simple faith, moved a mountain in my heart.

It’s so much better.

Too long have I deluded myself, thinking myself broken beyond belief, trying to change my person, thinking I could never be as I was then. And yet who I am now, doesn’t quite seem so different.

And its okay.

All those years in my attempt to change, I wore layers upon layers of masks, changing behaviors, but not hearts. Always peering at my outward, failing to see within. No longer.

I want to be real, its the only way I’ll ever experience acceptance. Only by peeling away the layers can others ever see me.

I want to be genuine, its the only way I’ll ever be able to live Love as He did, for He wasn’t afraid to show His true self, even the parts the world hated.

If I am to be truly loved, I must be prepared to be hated. If I am to truly love, I need to stop guarding myself against others.

Cos genuine love, comes from genuine people. =)

Strength, is meant to protect the weak

Gifts, are given to serve the broken

Wealth, that we may shelter the weary

Life, that we may learn to Love

The pursuit of Holiness is not for salvation, God has always loved me just the same

I have been forgiven, His Grace is greater than all the sins I’ve ever made

This is the good news I’m spreading, the joyful message that all can be saved!

But honestly, sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by the state of the world. It’s depravity examplified in world events, my colleagues and even myself. How could God hope to rescue a generation as depraved as we are through Christians? When I myself am so hopeless at redemption, how can I hope to show others Christlikeness.

Each day I arise knowing the battle begins again, each day I’m struggling against my carnal nature it has near driven me to the point of insanity. Each day I drift into sleep wondering if I’d falter tomorrow, or the day after that. Each day I wonder, how does God expect me a mere mortal to live like that till the end of my life? And each time I fall, the cycle starts again.

In my desperation, I looked for a verse in Phillipians, trying to encourage myself with Chapter 1:6 ⁶being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Instead, in an almost divine moment, I read Chapter 3:12-15

Pressing on Toward the Goal

 ¹²Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

 ¹⁵All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. ¹⁶Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

To forget what is behind, and strain towards what is ahead. It takes real courage to make that statement. For Paul to forget the faces of all the Christians he persecuted, possibly murdered, and the horrors of his life as Saul  means that I too can  forget the sins I have done, as I fight for my new life.

Courage to strain towards what is ahead, knowing the challenges that lay before him within him and without. Knowing at times he would fail, that at times his deeds may seem fruitless. All for the prize God has called us to, a prize we can only claim by faith.

And finally, that God knows what we’re going through. He never expects us to transform overnight, but in each day live up to what we have already attained.

Lord I need courage from you today to become that which Christ Jesus has taken hold in me. And I know you hear my cry, and you care.

And I asked God this question. Why, when I’m such an asshole who so often asks for forgiveness, sin again, and ask for forgiveness, and more often then not perform the very same sin again. Why do You forgive me? When I myself would hate me for so many of the things I’ve done, and thats just the things I remember, why would you still accept me? Why would you still use me to do your work when there’s so many better people, better ways than the failure I am.

Why do you love me? It’s something I could never understand. Thank you Father, I’ll love you with all I can.

 Thus no more!

 There is one purpose and one focus only! To fix my eyes upon the source, everything else will grow and flourish naturally so as long as I am connected to the source.

Which leads me to discuss an affirmation I received from a treasured brother, how am I able to commune with most of the brothers across the ministry even though I have no particular reason to do so since I’m a no-L. A query I myself had not considered for a long time. So first I’ll eleminate the wrong answers.

1. No I’m definitely not popular, I was ostracized by my peers as a kid.

2. No I’m not special or interesting in comparison with many more talented brothers.

3. No I’m not very spiritual nor exceptional in the things I do, however hard I try I’m rather mediocre.

I guess my only answer is that I give a damn about what goes on in my brother’s lives, because they are my family. I don’t care how impossible it may seem, but I believe when the bible says we are a family of God, it means EVERYONE is my brother and sister. I don’t care if sometimes my brothers don’t want me as part of their lives, I still want to give part of mine. My heart may be small, but I’ll damn well give every brother a piece of my heart till its shredded to pieces and there’s nothing left to give. And if I wasn’t afraid of certain consequences, I’ll damn well give pieces to my sisters too. Cos that’s what family is, individual people living a single life together.

 And because of this I go around asking everyone about their lives, hurts, and fears. And just as the branch only transfers what the vine gives, I only ever cared about their lives, cos God first cares for mine.

As age garners experience, as the ideals and principles fall apart from exposure to harsh realities, I realise it ain’t gonna get any easier.

The older I grow the more temptations I’m exposed to, the more I lose sight of my naive perception of the world, the more darkness I see in people’s hearts. I’m inclined towards giving up, admittedly at the verge of doing so. But herein I see the Spirit truely alive in me, not in my moutaintop experiences of victory, but in my persistance and perhaps insane stubborn grasping onto the faith, like I’m clinging onto my last breath. Whereas in the past I would’ve given up, somehow I still find the strength to keep fighting.

Here I see the truth of spiritual warfare. It is a battle, and only the battle-hardened survive. Its time I cast aside my notions of an idyllic existance with my Father in our own little world where calling on His name solves all problems. My eyes are open, things are not fine but we’re here to make it right. The world is not beautiful, but I’m here to build His temple. Herein I realise, not by my strength have i stood to this point, but by His Spirit dwelling in me.

And by His strength I’ll keep fighting till its over, therein lies the Victory.