Losing my marbles

I guess I’d  have to face this eventually. Taking up more roles in the kingdom would inevitably bring me to face the stark reality of the situation. How a sinner like me could ever do God’s holy work is really beyond me, I feel like there’s this immense gulf between who I am and who I’m supposed to be, and try as I might,  just can’t reconcile this gulf.

:                                 Immense unbridgeable gulf

Current sinful me ____<—————————————->____ God’s holy son

But now that I look at this, it kinda reminds me of the bridge diagram doesn’t it? I guess that’s why I still need Christ, like how I’ve needed him all along. Suddenly I’m reminded of John 15:5

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Father I confess, I am nothing without you.

The testimony of a genuine man

Reflecting on pastor Dennis sharing, I felt he was truly the most genuine person I’ve ever met barre no one. I guess no one in my life has ever led the way in being as genuine as he was, completely pouring out his weaknesses and struggles, irregardless of whether others were immature enough to judge him or be stumbled by what he shared about himself. I guess in sharing his life so openly, he trusted in the God’s ability to use his experiences to touch the lives of the people, alongside the belief that God will take care of his concerns about how the people will react, be it whether they might be stumbled or judge him. And that to me, is audacious faith, a life that dares to live on the edge, because of his trust in the Father. I believe too often we fail to share our lives openly because we fear the repercussions, we justify, sometimes even reasonably, that what we share might stumble our brothers and sisters. But I realize our fear of stumbling others in this area is unbiblical and unfounded. The prophecy of Christ himself including warnings that he would be a stumbling block to the Jews and foolishness to the gentiles, and it only stumbled them because they persisted in their ungodliness and therefore when holiness came in human form, it dashed their pseudo-holiness to pieces. When people are ‘stumbled’ by our genuine lives, I believe it unveils just how mistaken their initial beliefs about the faith is, akin to the pharisees understanding of the Law, all the more we should not deny them the opportunity of a wake up call. Christ, being genuine in everything he did, stumbled some, but touched and saved the broken of the world. So shall we, in being genuine, unveil the disgust in some, yet touch the lives of so many more, and point them towards the genuine quality of Christ.

Too often we try to justify our lack of genialness with the verses Romans 14:12-14 or 1 Cor 8:8-10. Yet I find myself asking the question, how could truth poured out in love ever stumble those truly seeking for godliness? I realize, that which we should and must safeguard against. It is our judgmental nature as in the case of Romans 14:12-14, and our selfishness as in the case of 1 Cor 8:8-10, or in summation, our sinful qualities that stumble those in pursuit in the faith, Truth only stumbles the ungodly (1 Cor 1:22-24). Therefore the matter to be safeguard against is not so much how genuine we are with out lives, but whether our every word and deed is done of Love for God and His people.

Thus the points that I really took away from the whole sermon are as such:

1. Be genuine in every aspect of your life.

2. Do not fear the repercussions, for that which is committed to the Lord, He will use according to His purposes.

3. Commit all things to the Lord. (2)

Genuine Love is experienced by genuine people, which in turn flows from genuine hearts.

Compassion for a hardened heart

The past week of festivities unveiled to me a side of me I never thought I’d see.

Looking around the room, I saw the sin in the lives of my kith and kin, leading lives of debauchery and godlessness. I hated it. I hated it so much yet, I felt so paralyzed that I was unable to do anything about it. A sense of apathy and frustration began to well up inside of me, apathy because I believed myself incapable of changing the situation, frustration because I realized there was so much I couldn’t change, in the lives of others, especially in my own. And as pondered this state of events, it dawned upon me. I was never able to exert any influence, because I was never a part of their lives. I guess over the course of my lifetime, I was never really interested in their lives, nor they in mine, and it never bothered me to change the status quo. And perhaps, this mentality extends beyond to every aspect of my relationships with people, never really knew what it was to try to be part of someone’s life, nor allow others to be part of mine. I guess its so when they’re gone, I won’t have to feel anything.

Yet Christ was an integral part of His people’s life. When Lazarus died, it moved him to tears. His rejoiced in the companionship of sinners and tax collectors. He went out of His way, to heal the afflicted, to speak into the life of a mere Samaritan woman. He even brought the drinks to the wedding party.

He showed grace where I only saw sinfulness. And while I do nothing, He had pity on them, and took the ultimate action.

I know not, the compassion of Christ. Father, would you teach me compassion?

 

Simple Faith

“Has my faith become too complicated sometimes?” – Tze Xiang

Of all that was said today, this message really hit home the most.

Looking back over the tumultuous week, I find that the maxim ‘If you look inwards, you’ll only despair’ to be quite true. Asking the wrong questions, I began to find myself  despairing over my situation. Holiness seemed an ideal so impossible, so beyond my grasp, my soul began to be crushed under the weight of my doubts and consternation. Even via reviewing and reflecting the entirety of my life experiences, trying to find a sure path to holiness in light of biblical doctrine, I find myself with no sure solutions. No executable plan with which I can finally claim holiness. Come the morning, I was left feeling defeated, robbed of every joy.

And in desperation, I chose to engage in my first truly voluntary period of fasting. The answers weren’t quite what I expected.

Praying at the back of MSC, I resigned myself to admit that I’m at my wits end, asking the Lord to simply lead me. Then in what seemed like a divine moment, came the MSC grounds-keeper, the bespectacled individual I never quite took notice of, and he talked to me. Apparently in seeing my loneliness, he decided to come befriend me. In that moment, I felt loved in a way I’ve never experienced before. Here was an uncomplicated man, who did not know me, had no obligation towards me, and yet he was the first human to have ever responded to my loneliness. And after a short chat about light topics, I bid him adieu and rejoined the brothers and sisters. Here was a man, who without profound words, left a profound impression in me, through his act of simple love.

I realized, in all my years as a Christian, I have never demonstrated just simple love. Mine was a love that always needed a plan of action, an agenda to be met, a biblical foundation. A faith requiring a great task to be executed, a backup plan, a qualification. And yet many a times, these complexities brought me more consternation than joy, more burden than freedom.

Matthew 17:20

His simple faith, moved a mountain in my heart.

A journey for genuine Love

It’s been a year now, yet even as I return to this journal, and read what I’ve written, images of my past come to mind. And I realize my past isn’t really quite how I’ve envisioned it.

It’s so much better.

Too long have I deluded myself, thinking myself broken beyond belief, trying to change my person, thinking I could never be as I was then. And yet who I am now, doesn’t quite seem so different.

And its okay.

All those years in my attempt to change, I wore layers upon layers of masks, changing behaviors, but not hearts. Always peering at my outward, failing to see within. No longer.

I want to be real, its the only way I’ll ever experience acceptance. Only by peeling away the layers can others ever see me.

I want to be genuine, its the only way I’ll ever be able to live Love as He did, for He wasn’t afraid to show His true self, even the parts the world hated.

If I am to be truly loved, I must be prepared to be hated. If I am to truly love, I need to stop guarding myself against others.

Cos genuine love, comes from genuine people. =)

Strength, is meant to protect the weak

Gifts, are given to serve the broken

Wealth, that we may shelter the weary

Life, that we may learn to Love

I’m just a sinner, saved by Grace

No longer will I lord it over others, for I am not holier than thou

The pursuit of Holiness is not for salvation, God has always loved me just the same

I have been forgiven, His Grace is greater than all the sins I’ve ever made

This is the good news I’m spreading, the joyful message that all can be saved!

Courage

I’ve a slight personal experience into God’s heartbeat for man, even a small inkling of it already near driven me to tears. If by hearing a daily cry of a woman begging I feel so frustrated that I can’t do anything significant to help her, I must wonder how God feels looking at His daughter in such a state.

But honestly, sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by the state of the world. It’s depravity examplified in world events, my colleagues and even myself. How could God hope to rescue a generation as depraved as we are through Christians? When I myself am so hopeless at redemption, how can I hope to show others Christlikeness.

Each day I arise knowing the battle begins again, each day I’m struggling against my carnal nature it has near driven me to the point of insanity. Each day I drift into sleep wondering if I’d falter tomorrow, or the day after that. Each day I wonder, how does God expect me a mere mortal to live like that till the end of my life? And each time I fall, the cycle starts again.

In my desperation, I looked for a verse in Phillipians, trying to encourage myself with Chapter 1:6 ⁶being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Instead, in an almost divine moment, I read Chapter 3:12-15

Pressing on Toward the Goal

 ¹²Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

 ¹⁵All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. ¹⁶Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

To forget what is behind, and strain towards what is ahead. It takes real courage to make that statement. For Paul to forget the faces of all the Christians he persecuted, possibly murdered, and the horrors of his life as Saul  means that I too can  forget the sins I have done, as I fight for my new life.

Courage to strain towards what is ahead, knowing the challenges that lay before him within him and without. Knowing at times he would fail, that at times his deeds may seem fruitless. All for the prize God has called us to, a prize we can only claim by faith.

And finally, that God knows what we’re going through. He never expects us to transform overnight, but in each day live up to what we have already attained.

Lord I need courage from you today to become that which Christ Jesus has taken hold in me. And I know you hear my cry, and you care.

Why do you love me?

Reading the book of judges, I discovered it is in essence a simple story. Isrealites love God when He rescued them, then stray away from Him after awhile. Then calamity overtakes them and they cry out to God, He forgives and rescues them, and they love Him. For awhile. And then they desert God again and the cycle continues over and over. When I was reading the book, I was thinking, those Isrealites are such ungrateful assholes, they take God for granted, never learn their lesson, and always forget God’s goodness after a while and go back to sinning. Why in the world does God treasure and love them?! I would have killed them all long ago if I was god, thankfully I’m not.

And I asked God this question. Why, when I’m such an asshole who so often asks for forgiveness, sin again, and ask for forgiveness, and more often then not perform the very same sin again. Why do You forgive me? When I myself would hate me for so many of the things I’ve done, and thats just the things I remember, why would you still accept me? Why would you still use me to do your work when there’s so many better people, better ways than the failure I am.

Why do you love me? It’s something I could never understand. Thank you Father, I’ll love you with all I can.

Love beyond the CG

Reflecting upon Timothy’s teaching during camp, the point of purpose really struck me. For someone who has been lost and aimless for so long, I really wondered if my service had any purpose, if the effort from my heart could really bear fruit from a shrivelled branch as I. And perhaps, this shrivelling and misdirection was due to a certain disconnection from the vine, trying to draw upon strength through my own roots (Of which I have none).

 Thus no more!

 There is one purpose and one focus only! To fix my eyes upon the source, everything else will grow and flourish naturally so as long as I am connected to the source.

Which leads me to discuss an affirmation I received from a treasured brother, how am I able to commune with most of the brothers across the ministry even though I have no particular reason to do so since I’m a no-L. A query I myself had not considered for a long time. So first I’ll eleminate the wrong answers.

1. No I’m definitely not popular, I was ostracized by my peers as a kid.

2. No I’m not special or interesting in comparison with many more talented brothers.

3. No I’m not very spiritual nor exceptional in the things I do, however hard I try I’m rather mediocre.

I guess my only answer is that I give a damn about what goes on in my brother’s lives, because they are my family. I don’t care how impossible it may seem, but I believe when the bible says we are a family of God, it means EVERYONE is my brother and sister. I don’t care if sometimes my brothers don’t want me as part of their lives, I still want to give part of mine. My heart may be small, but I’ll damn well give every brother a piece of my heart till its shredded to pieces and there’s nothing left to give. And if I wasn’t afraid of certain consequences, I’ll damn well give pieces to my sisters too. Cos that’s what family is, individual people living a single life together.

 And because of this I go around asking everyone about their lives, hurts, and fears. And just as the branch only transfers what the vine gives, I only ever cared about their lives, cos God first cares for mine.

It’s not getting any easier

There are times when I feel like i can do anything. These are moments of inspiration, periods were it seems failure is not an option, and faltering is a distant notion. But come perils and trying times, I find myself losing direction, facing stark reality and how ugly this world can be. That perhaps failure is the norm, and faltering is the daily mode of life.

As age garners experience, as the ideals and principles fall apart from exposure to harsh realities, I realise it ain’t gonna get any easier.

The older I grow the more temptations I’m exposed to, the more I lose sight of my naive perception of the world, the more darkness I see in people’s hearts. I’m inclined towards giving up, admittedly at the verge of doing so. But herein I see the Spirit truely alive in me, not in my moutaintop experiences of victory, but in my persistance and perhaps insane stubborn grasping onto the faith, like I’m clinging onto my last breath. Whereas in the past I would’ve given up, somehow I still find the strength to keep fighting.

Here I see the truth of spiritual warfare. It is a battle, and only the battle-hardened survive. Its time I cast aside my notions of an idyllic existance with my Father in our own little world where calling on His name solves all problems. My eyes are open, things are not fine but we’re here to make it right. The world is not beautiful, but I’m here to build His temple. Herein I realise, not by my strength have i stood to this point, but by His Spirit dwelling in me.

And by His strength I’ll keep fighting till its over, therein lies the Victory.