Atrocious handwriting resulted in an online journal
No longer will I lord it over others, for I am not holier than thou
The pursuit of Holiness is not for salvation, God has always loved me just the same
I have been forgiven, His Grace is greater than all the sins I’ve ever made
This is the good news I’m spreading, the joyful message that all can be saved!
I’ve a slight personal experience into God’s heartbeat for man, even a small inkling of it already near driven me to tears. If by hearing a daily cry of a woman begging I feel so frustrated that I can’t do anything significant to help her, I must wonder how God feels looking at His daughter in such a state.
But honestly, sometimes I’m so overwhelmed by the state of the world. It’s depravity examplified in world events, my colleagues and even myself. How could God hope to rescue a generation as depraved as we are through Christians? When I myself am so hopeless at redemption, how can I hope to show others Christlikeness.
Each day I arise knowing the battle begins again, each day I’m struggling against my carnal nature it has near driven me to the point of insanity. Each day I drift into sleep wondering if I’d falter tomorrow, or the day after that. Each day I wonder, how does God expect me a mere mortal to live like that till the end of my life? And each time I fall, the cycle starts again.
In my desperation, I looked for a verse in Phillipians, trying to encourage myself with Chapter 1:6 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Instead, in an almost divine moment, I read Chapter 3:12-15
12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already attained.
To forget what is behind, and strain towards what is ahead. It takes real courage to make that statement. For Paul to forget the faces of all the Christians he persecuted, possibly murdered, and the horrors of his life as Saul means that I too can forget the sins I have done, as I fight for my new life.
Courage to strain towards what is ahead, knowing the challenges that lay before him within him and without. Knowing at times he would fail, that at times his deeds may seem fruitless. All for the prize God has called us to, a prize we can only claim by faith.
And finally, that God knows what we’re going through. He never expects us to transform overnight, but in each day live up to what we have already attained.
Lord I need courage from you today to become that which Christ Jesus has taken hold in me. And I know you hear my cry, and you care.
Reading the book of judges, I discovered it is in essence a simple story. Isrealites love God when He rescued them, then stray away from Him after awhile. Then calamity overtakes them and they cry out to God, He forgives and rescues them, and they love Him. For awhile. And then they desert God again and the cycle continues over and over. When I was reading the book, I was thinking, those Isrealites are such ungrateful assholes, they take God for granted, never learn their lesson, and always forget God’s goodness after a while and go back to sinning. Why in the world does God treasure and love them?! I would have killed them all long ago if I was god, thankfully I’m not.
And I asked God this question. Why, when I’m such an asshole who so often asks for forgiveness, sin again, and ask for forgiveness, and more often then not perform the very same sin again. Why do You forgive me? When I myself would hate me for so many of the things I’ve done, and thats just the things I remember, why would you still accept me? Why would you still use me to do your work when there’s so many better people, better ways than the failure I am.
Why do you love me? It’s something I could never understand. Thank you Father, I’ll love you with all I can.
Reflecting upon Timothy’s teaching during camp, the point of purpose really struck me. For someone who has been lost and aimless for so long, I really wondered if my service had any purpose, if the effort from my heart could really bear fruit from a shrivelled branch as I. And perhaps, this shrivelling and misdirection was due to a certain disconnection from the vine, trying to draw upon strength through my own roots (Of which I have none).
Thus no more!
There is one purpose and one focus only! To fix my eyes upon the source, everything else will grow and flourish naturally so as long as I am connected to the source.
Which leads me to discuss an affirmation I received from a treasured brother, how am I able to commune with most of the brothers across the ministry even though I have no particular reason to do so since I’m a no-L. A query I myself had not considered for a long time. So first I’ll eleminate the wrong answers.
1. No I’m definitely not popular, I was ostracized by my peers as a kid.
2. No I’m not special or interesting in comparison with many more talented brothers.
3. No I’m not very spiritual nor exceptional in the things I do, however hard I try I’m rather mediocre.
I guess my only answer is that I give a damn about what goes on in my brother’s lives, because they are my family. I don’t care how impossible it may seem, but I believe when the bible says we are a family of God, it means EVERYONE is my brother and sister. I don’t care if sometimes my brothers don’t want me as part of their lives, I still want to give part of mine. My heart may be small, but I’ll damn well give every brother a piece of my heart till its shredded to pieces and there’s nothing left to give. And if I wasn’t afraid of certain consequences, I’ll damn well give pieces to my sisters too. Cos that’s what family is, individual people living a single life together.
And because of this I go around asking everyone about their lives, hurts, and fears. And just as the branch only transfers what the vine gives, I only ever cared about their lives, cos God first cares for mine.
There are times when I feel like i can do anything. These are moments of inspiration, periods were it seems failure is not an option, and faltering is a distant notion. But come perils and trying times, I find myself losing direction, facing stark reality and how ugly this world can be. That perhaps failure is the norm, and faltering is the daily mode of life.
As age garners experience, as the ideals and principles fall apart from exposure to harsh realities, I realise it ain’t gonna get any easier.
The older I grow the more temptations I’m exposed to, the more I lose sight of my naive perception of the world, the more darkness I see in people’s hearts. I’m inclined towards giving up, admittedly at the verge of doing so. But herein I see the Spirit truely alive in me, not in my moutaintop experiences of victory, but in my persistance and perhaps insane stubborn grasping onto the faith, like I’m clinging onto my last breath. Whereas in the past I would’ve given up, somehow I still find the strength to keep fighting.
Here I see the truth of spiritual warfare. It is a battle, and only the battle-hardened survive. Its time I cast aside my notions of an idyllic existance with my Father in our own little world where calling on His name solves all problems. My eyes are open, things are not fine but we’re here to make it right. The world is not beautiful, but I’m here to build His temple. Herein I realise, not by my strength have i stood to this point, but by His Spirit dwelling in me.
And by His strength I’ll keep fighting till its over, therein lies the Victory.
Three cumulative incidents let me to realise one thing. First of which, a general feeling of misdirection. That something was amiss in my faith. Secondly, reading a book about business, ironic association with faith but well God’s in all things. Lastly, a chat with my brother, my best friend and source of wisdom (thickly veiled in humor but its a pretty entertaining facade).
A good christian holds many similar characteristics to a good businessman. Business has always been depicted as a commercial enterprise driven by dollars and sense, and honestly the mark of a mature christian is simply the ability to see the value of Christ, and make sense of it (instead of living ones life in blissful ignorance of your religion like so many I’ve met.)
Honestly, I’ve only realised my extremist tendencies lately and I’ve realised that truly-even at the risk of sounding quite zen- balance is the key. Too often have I read and seen stories of people disillusioned with the faith, those giving God their everything including perhaps relinquishing education or family and other opportunities and later blaming God for the issues that arise. I personally realised that I was losing track, ’sacrificing’ when God didn’t ask me to, giving up the ’secular’ things. Which leads me to question, what is secular and what is spiritual?
‘How’s your spiritual life?’ A well intended question that I was eschewing and concluded that honestly, it doesn’t make sense at all. What in the world is your ’spiritual life’? Are we suggesting that we are leading 2 lives, spiritual and secular? That’s absurdity at minimum, and heresy at its finest. Jesus never asked, ’so how’s your spiritual walk?’ He asked about the lives of the people, how they felt, and knew their circumstances. Jesus didn’t say ‘Peter, is your inconsistent reading of the text perhaps troubling your fishing?’ He told Peter to cast the net! To do what a fisherman does, and trust Him whilst doing it, and God works through us similarly in the everyday things. Jesus doesn’t expect us to maintain our spiritual walk by praying an hour a day, fasting bi-weekly and memorising the whole bible. Though these things are biblical, and they help, Jesus simply told us to live our lives with God in the picture as best we can, ‘John 14:20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.’ God created ALL things, this idea of the secular is a worldly notion, the fact that God made all things, means he can work through all things. That means even through our human failings, even society’s screwed perceptions. He isn’t limited by anything so live life with God in mind, its really that simple, yet the most difficult thing to achieve.
In short, Don’t try too hard to be holy, let God work holiness in you. Don’t struggle so much to do His work, let Him work through you in the everyday things you do.
John 14:8
8Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”
For so long one of my missions, my driving inspiration to be holy, was to see my Father’s face. Tellling myself I’d do anything if I could just catch a glimpse of His face, hear a whisper of His voice, to experience just a fragment of Moses conversations with God. My hearts cry was as the words of Phillip, just to see the Father just once, and it will be worth everything I fought for.
But now oh Lord I see my wrong.
19Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.”
His smile is radiant on those who act in genuine kindness. His whispers through the lips of an empathetic friend. His Glory shown through the humility of a serving brother. His courage evident in those who continue to face adversity and persevere.
As we are in Him, He is in us.
His love is shown through His people, and it is more than enough.
Too often have my lips proclaimed ‘I want to know you, I want to seek your face’; yet why does it seem, even amidst these proclamations, that most of my knowledge of my Dad seems to come from everywhere but really setting aside time to know the Big Dude? Too long has my hunger be slated with the little tidbits my pastor and friends provide. This time, I’m gonna toss all that aside, and really get to know the story of my Dad, right from Genesis Chapter 1:1.
14 And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
1. There was Light, before the sun the moon and the stars. And where did this nourishing light that allowed the created vegetation (Third day) to flourish over the earth come from? So many times in the bible do we read of the light of His Glory. And in revelations, we know that the sun and the moon and the stars will pass away, and we will bask in the light of His glory. Literally, His Glory can sustain us, nourish us. If it was good enough for the plants of the earth it’d surely have been good enough for us. The true source of light is not the Sun and stars. Its God.
31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
2. Now elementary science tells us, every star, is a galaxy. Notice how God used 5 days to prepare us and our little planet, but just 1 day to create the sun, innumerable other galaxies (The stars). When God could’ve clearly made the whole earth in one day, he did so with all the other galaxies didn’t he. He painstakingly crafted our little planet, piece by piece, and slowly breathed life over it. God, loves our little planet. Thanks Dad, for putting so much effort into making my little home which I often fail to appreciate.
29 Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.
3. When creation was still pure, animals didn’t eat one another. Man didn’t eat God’s precious animals. There was no bloodshed, it was almost a utopian ideal where the lion and the lamb could lie together, unafraid. Only later, after the flood did God make a covenant with Noah to allow him to eat animals for food, probably cos the flood killed most of the vegetation and the earth needed time to recuperate. So vegans, rejoice! Your eating what God meant for you to eat! =P
4 This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created.
When the LORD God made the earth and the heavens- 5 and no shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth [b]and no plant of the field had yet sprung up, for the LORD God had not sent rain on the earth [c] and there was no man to work the ground, 6 but streams [d] came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground- the LORD God formed the man The Hebrew for man (adam) sounds like and may be related to the Hebrew for ground (adamah) it is also the name Adam (see Gen. 2:20). from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
4. Man were created with a purpose. We’re not made to laze around all day, eschewing on the notion that we’re the king of creation. Men were made to get up and take care of God’s creation, why are we doing the exact opposite?
2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’ “
5. God never said not to touch it, so why did Eve add this extra condition? An honest mistake? No, this is temptation in action. How often, when we are tempted, do we diminish God’s goodness? When we’re tempted, we start seeing the object as something more desirable, something God forbids us because he’s mean. Probably the hardest thing to do is to bear in mind, everything God tells us not to do, is because He loves us and wants to protect us, just as a Father would tell his kid not to touch the fire. Are we so enchanted by the dancing flames, that we forgo his goodness just to experience pain?
6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
6. Be careful little eyes what you see. Eve’s eyes lingered on the fruit, and the more she looked at it, the more it seemed beautiful, good even. Simple principle here, when you are tempted, avert your gaze ASAP. Don’t look at the source of your temptation for another second.
7. So often we think, why did little innocent Adam get punished along with Eve? After all Eve was the one who gave it to him. Well, simply cos Adam wasn’t so darn innocent after all. Throughout the whole scene, from the serpants little chat to Eve’s eating of the fruit. ADAM WAS THERE! He was just standing there, not doing anything to stop his precious sweetheart from doing what he knew was wrong! He’s the man, he could’ve stepped in and smacked the serpent around, but he just stood there, watching his angel take a bite. Apathy, watching your brothers sin and not stepping in, is just as bad as sinning alongside him.
8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?”
10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
8. Nakedness, was never the issue. Just moments ago, everyone was naked but all was bliss. They hid from God, because of the guilt, the shame that all man experience when we sin. But look at God’s graceful reply:
11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
God never was never ashamed of our nakedness, instead we condemn ourselves and hide from God. Notice God asked, ‘Have you?’ not roaring ‘You Have!’. God was surely disappointed, but he was giving Adam a chance to confess and make things right, to tell Him the truth and He could make it all better. All Adam had to say was ‘yes’, but he chose to shift the blame to the one he loved. Notice what sin makes us do? It makes us hurt the ones we love.
13 Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”
The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
9. God pretty much already knew what Eve had done, so why did He ask this question? Simply cos like Adam, he wanted to give his daughter a chance to confess, to admit her mistake and make things right. But no, Eve wouldn’t humble herself, she had the common kneejerk reaction we all experience, ‘But its not my fault, the circumstances made me do it.’ When all we had to do, was confess to our Loving Dad, and make things right. We have free will, we can rise above the circumstances.
15 And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring [a] and hers;
he will crush [b] your head,
and you will strike his heel.”
10. Now in this, we see the extent of God’s love for us. Even from the conception of sin, God already prepared a plan, He was immediately willing to sacrifice His Son to set things right, to pay our price. Obviously, the verse isn’t exactly referring to how snakes and men will combat from then on. Its a reference to how Jesus would have to die on the cross, but His eventual victory and the crushing defeat of sin and the serpent. God loved us SO much, he prepared this plan from the beginning, and the rest of the bible, is simply the story of the master author, scripting events to lead up to this one gift of Love for us. The sacrifice wasn’t some plan cobbled together along the way, it was God’s Love for us, from the very beginning, to the very end.
Here I am, establishing my brand,
seeing which part of His plan do I extend,
Little did I know, I had a hand
In tarnishing the brand, Christ worked so hard to show to man
My greed my crap, all perceived by them
All the while, His brand I say I am
Sorry Dad, I ruined your brand
I’ll try again, please guide my hands
14 And it will be said:
“Build up, build up, prepare the road!
Remove the obstacles out of the way of my people.”
15 For this is what the high and lofty One says—
he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
“I live in a high and holy place,
but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly
and to revive the heart of the contrite.
16 I will not accuse forever,
nor will I always be angry,
for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me—
the breath of man that I have created.
17 I was enraged by his sinful greed;
I punished him, and hid my face in anger,
yet he kept on in his willful ways.
18 I have seen his ways, but I will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him,
19 creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel.
Peace, peace, to those far and near,”
says the LORD. “And I will heal them.”
20 But the wicked are like the tossing sea,
which cannot rest,
whose waves cast up mire and mud.
21 “There is no peace,” says my God, “for the wicked.”
I can’t live any longer without God speaking to me. Without His voice, it feels like I’m trying my best to please Him, but always wandering around in the dark, stumbling and falling. So I asked to hear His voice, and turned to this page of scripture which instantly captivated me. I’ve finally found instructions, to build up the road, remove obstacles out of the way to Him. Remove the distractions of the hustle and bustle of everyday life, remove the condemnation of my sins Satan tries to heave on me, remove everything, save the desire to hear His voice. Something so simple but I’ve never grasped.
He revives the spirit of the lowly and contrite, recognizing who they truly are. Sinners who can’t free themselves, humbling themselves to the One who can. For we often keep to our willful ways, our sins no matter what we try. We need to seek His healing for He has seen our ways, yet His anger is but for a moment. He heals us in the midst of our sins, He heals us despite our failure even with best efforts. He heals us out of love.
But those who persist, those who deny Him with unrelenting hearts. They dig themselves a grave of mire and mud.
